Never Truly Gone
by Linneam
Summary: Thirteen years before, Remus' entire world fell apart. On this Halloween night, he returned to the place where it all ended and was bombarded by memories of his childhood, his friends, and his days in his favorite place on earth: Hogwarts. J/L, only pair.


**So... I'm afraid of posting this. **

**I wrote it a few weeks ago, but I've been holding it hostage because I wasn't sure of how I felt about it. I'm finally pleased with it, so I'm sharing it, but I'm doing it fearfully 'cause I'm afraid you all are going to tear it apart. (And if you do, it's ok! I understand. Promise. Constructive criticism is TOTALLY welcome.)**

**So... Here it is. :) I hope you guys like it.**

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The sky was slightly overcast, and a rough wind swept through the streets of Godric's Hollow. Still, colorful lights flooded the village, and laughter could be heard in nearly every household. Halloween was a joyous day for all, but for wizards, it marked an especially momentous occasion. You-Know-Who was gone and had been for precisely thirteen years.

But for the ragged man walking up the street, it was a night of only memories, way-back-when's, and what-used-to-be's. A night in which, thirteen years before, he'd felt his world all but fall apart. He was, of course, glad for Voldemort's demise, but its cost some days seemed an almost unbearable price to pay.

Remus Lupin stepped bravely into the cemetery, and with less than a thought, he settled himself next to a plot he hadn't seen in more than a decade.

"Hey, Prongs. Hello, Lils."

The wind again whipped through the graveyard, howling and rustling and carrying with it what Remus imagined to be whispers from his dearly departed friends. But if they were whispers, they were just that- too quiet and muffled to be understood.

He allowed the silence to overtake him, if only briefly, and his mind raced back to nearly thirteen years prior, when he'd last stood in this place.

_"We're not here to say goodbye," Hogwarts' headmaster proclaimed. "For those we love are never truly gone, as long as we remember them. So today, we join together in remembrance of two of the greatest of their age so that James and Lily Potter might live on inside us..."_

The service had continued, but from there, Remus scarcely heard the words; he was numb. James, Lily and Peter, dead, and Sirius imprisoned for their deaths... His best friends, his childhood, his life... All gone in one fateful Halloween.

Remus had known his friends were marked; mentally, he'd known that someday a goodbye was inevitable. But emotionally, he had never expected to stand at their wake, to watch their caskets slowly sink into the ground. He'd left the cemetery that day vowing to forever remember, to allow them to live, but he had made another vow. Remus swore to never return. They wouldn't want him to whittle his life away yearning for their younger days, and both Lily and James would understand: Remus wasn't strong enough to keep saying goodbye...

"I'm sorry I haven't stopped by," Remus muttered, not achieving the conversational tone for which he'd hoped. "I figured you'd get it... You all know me better than anyone.

"I met Harry, James. He's just like you in so many ways... Well, his head's much smaller than yours was at his age, but in other things..."

Another gust of wind blew through the cemetery, and Remus heard his friend's laugh as clearly as he had when they'd all tromped across the grounds together, and the leaves seemed to fall in exactly the shape of Lily's smirking face.

"Well, you get the point. And Lily, he's got your eyes. Your compassion, too... He saved Wormtail's life, though he scarcely deserved it. Said he reckoned you two wouldn't have wanted your best mates to be killers... It's easy to see why Padfoot keeps acting like he's you, Prongs; some days I believe it myself."

Silence fell once more across the graveyard, and Remus sighed. He still didn't know what pulled him back to this place after so many years... Memories could follow him everywhere; he didn't need to be here.

_But you haven't let them follow you,_ a voice that sounded remarkably like a young Lily Evans whispered from somewhere deep within him.

Remus felt a pang of familiarity surge through him. Lily had always been able to gently point out the truth, and she had the kindest heart Remus had ever encountered. Their friendship, generated through nightly patrol sessions, had easily become as precious to him as the unbreakable camaraderie of the Marauders. Remus would never forget the day their friendship truly became so dear to him.

_The common room was all but empty, yet he still sat up, desperately attempting to catch up on three days' worth of homework. His last transformation had been particularly rough; he'd nearly escaped Sirius and James to attack a meandering third year, and all three of them were still feeling the consequences._

_He'd nearly dozed off for the third time when Lily timidly came downstairs. "Hey, Remus? Can I talk to you?"_

_"Sure," he answered. Remus' face was the picture of confusion as he tried to read her expression, and the concern in her eyes was still vividly etched into his heart._

_She chewed on her lip for a few seconds before sliding into the seat next to him. "I- Well, I need to ask you something. If I'm wrong, please don't be angry... It's just- I- Remus, where were you during the last full moon?"_

_His stomach dropped, and a heavy anxiety fell over him."You already know, don't you?"_

_Lily nodded calmly, and to Remus' surprise, she'd stared him straight in face. "Yeah, I do. I'm so sorry, Remus. I can help you stay caught up if you want. Missing that much class every month can't be easy, and it's OWL year. These classes are our most important yet."_

_"You mean you're not... You still want to be my friend?"_

_A look of horror crossed her face, and for the briefest second, Remus was sure he had misinterpreted. But within seconds, the look of horror dissolved into one of compassion, and she threw her arms around him. "Of course I do. I could never leave. You're the same Remus I've always known.. Just a little furrier."_

A small smile spread across Remus' face at the memory. A little furrier still seemed a bit understated, but he appreciated the gesture.

"I wish you knew how much you meant to me," the werewolf said quietly, staring at the marble headstones. "I wanted you to know how much your lives changed mine."

This statement, of course, was best directed at James. Remus remembered walking into Hogwarts for the first time. Back then, he really had been the shy, studious boy his professors grew to expect. But he'd been almost immediately absorbed by a group of brilliant, vocal boys overflowing with talent and a gift for causing mischief. By second year, he'd become the lesser known yet equally guilty Marauder, and looking back, he would have it no other way.

"Do you remember our first full moon together?" he asked wistfully. "When the three of you finally properly transformed? I think I tried to kill you that night, but I can't really be sure. You never did tell me what happened to land all of us in the hospital wing together.

"That's always been my favorite memory. It was the first time I didn't feel entirely alone. After twelve years of pain and self-destruction, you three showed up, and suddenly full moons weren't only bearable... They were fun."

The smile he allowed to form suddenly drooped. "They're not fun anymore," he confessed. "They've come up with a way for me to be conscious, to maintain control when I change. It makes things worse. I curl up under my bed for hours, and the only thing I can manage to think of is the past- all of our adventures, Sirius's guilt, your deaths... I can't escape it when I live in the shadow of our best memories..."

Remus paused, thinking. He opened his mouth again to remind his absent friends of another memory, but suddenly, his words were flowing of their own accord.

"I always wake up angry: angry at Voldemort for killing you, angry at Sirius for betraying you, angry at Peter for disappearing, and angry at you. Normally, I don't feel it. Normally, all I feel is sadness. But when I wake up, I'm always angry. You left. Both of you left. You changed secret keepers; you didn't trust me. You could be alive. But you're not. You're just... gone."

Remus looked up at the overcast sky, searching for the raindrops he expected to see falling. His eyes scanned the atmosphere calmly, but its dark gray clouds did not let loose a single drop of liquid. Only then did he realize that the cool liquid running down his face didn't belong to the sky... It belonged to him.

"You could still be here. I know it. But I'm done being angry. I didn't know why I came here tonight, but now I think I do. If I didn't talk to you, then I would never let go. And I can't be angry anymore because I still need you. I need your smiles and your voices and your senseless bickering at meetings. And if I'm mad, then I won't get to see or hear them, and I can't live with that anymore. So I'm done being angry with you, and I know you can't come back.

"But I'm also done saying goodbye. You can't come back because you never left, and not even someone with your talent, Prongs, can return to a place he has yet to leave. You're here in Harry, and in Sirius, and in me. Don't leave us. I'm not strong enough to say goodbye again."

_Moony, shut up. We're not going anywhere._ This time, it was James' whisper he felt inside him, and the words brought an instant calm. They really couldn't leave again.

With a quiet farewell, Remus stood and left the graveyard. As he wandered up the now-populated streets, the long put-off memories assaulted him, and he grinned in spite of himself as pranks, chaos, and sentiments flooded his mind.

_"You're the same Remus I've always known... Just a little furrier."_

_"Blimey, we couldn't leave you, mate. But we finally did pick your nickname. You're Moony!"_

_"Oi, get your bum in here! We can't plan **your** sick leave if you're in the other room!"_

The wind swept one final time through the streets of Godric's Hollow, and this time it carried with it Remus' laugh and the ghosts of laughs spent decades before.


End file.
